Parenting
As the title suggests we are going to cover some
aspects of parenting because it has much to do with home education. If
the television shows regarding nannies and the plentiful array of parenting
books are any indication then mothers and fathers have an interest, if
not a need, to learn some skills in this area.
The old saying, “practice makes perfect” has been
updated in our day to read “practice makes improvements.” For example,
the more waffles I cook the better I become at the task, and it is the
same with raising my children. If I had given birth to all five on the
same day I would have learned a thing or two as time went by however because
I had them one at a time I gained knowledge and experience that helped
me with each successive child. But these are not waffles, they are people
who bring with them both challenges and fulfillments.
I think that parenting styles are very individual
and the various methods will work for some families and not for others.
It is a little like a set of house keys. Your set may look very similar
to your neighbor’s keys but try opening your front door with one of her
keys. Appearances can be deceiving, and not all methods and techniques
will fit everybody.
First let’s look at different types of moms. We
have many to choose from. To start, we have the enabling mom, the lenient
mom and the overprotective mom. I fall into that last category. When my
children and I saw the movie, A Series of Unfortunate Events they felt
the need to look at me each time Aunt Josephine (played by Meryl Streep)
would sound off with some bit of wisdom such as taking care of the avocados
as the pits may become lodged in one’s throat. As I recall the avocados
did not appear to be very threatening laying there unpeeled on a table.
Okay, I am not that overprotective but I do give frequent discourses on
botulism and salmonella in our kitchen. Then there are the over-doer moms
who work themselves to the point of exhaustion neglecting their own needs
and health. I could continue listing differing types but let’s simply say
that the goal is to be an “all around Mom.” A realistic, balanced and consistent
parent who cares for her children and cares for herself. Almost any busy
home schooling mother needs healthy breaks and perhaps a hobby or two.
The over-doer runs from task to event all the while attending to various
needs and still, at the end of the day, thinks she has not done enough.
If that describes you, try a thirty minute break per day. Just thirty minutes
to do whatever you like to do. Forget the laundry and the dishes and rejuvenate
yourself with reading or walking or any relaxing uninterrupted pleasure.
Additionally, if you are home schooling to excess you may find it beneficial
to plan an entire week off at least every three months.
Now we’ll look at different types of children.
One would be the “brat” and nobody likes a brat, except maybe you. Even
with all the love a mother’s heart can hold the mother of a misbehaved
child can become frustrated. In the same vein there is the overindulged
child who is given everything they ever want and they tend to get along
quite well with enabling mothers. I saw an example of this when I caught
a segment of a popular television show in which two teenage children were
driving new cars and possessing their own credit cards. Their monthly clothing
allowance was in the hundreds. To make matters worse the mother and father
ate brown bag lunches every single day. They went without while their spoiled
children lived very well.
Another type is the bored child who tends to find
and get into trouble. There are also neglected kids who reach out for attention
and sometimes find it in the least desirable ways. Then there are a myriad
of wonderful, thoughtful children who are cooperative but still misbehave
on occasion.
So what should you do? Ignore the issues? Pretend
that if you don’t acknowledge the problems they will go away all by themselves?
That would be similar to ignoring a toothache for a very long time. When
the pain gets to be too much to bear you finally break down and see the
dentist only to find out that the repair includes a root canal. Perhaps
skipping routine dental visits seemed like a good idea at the time but
I would wager it will not appear to be a good idea the day of oral surgery.
No, ignoring problems rarely makes them go away.
Let’s imagine the brattiest little brat we can
possibly conjure up in our minds. He is standing there obstinately saying
those less than lovely words, “OH Yeah! Who’s gonna make me?!” Here’s the
truth, you may not be able to. No matter how much you wish you could hop
into that little body and make it do anything from finish the math assignment
to making the bed the reality is you cannot. But you can allow consequences
to occur. You can set up rules and boundaries before the next tantrum.
Child rearing experts across the board seem to agree on one thing—it may
not look like it, but children want boundaries. They want to know the line,
they want to be hemmed in to a certain extent. They want to know that somebody,
other than themselves, is indeed in some kind of control. It actually frightens
younger children to conclude that they are the ones in control of the world
that they know.
However that is only one part of the battle. Even
when a parent has been clear and the boundary lines have been drawn some
children still live to push your buttons and test your rules. They seem
to come by this naturally and this aspect does not seem to have an age
limit.
My personal beliefs on raising a young child were
recently substantiated by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend in their book Boundaries.
On my favorite page of that book it described a scene with two women. One
was older and she looked on while a young mother tried to parent her child.
She said, “Do it now, Dear, discipline the child now—and you just might
survive adolescence.” p.170
Back in 1970 Dr. J. Dobson wrote about the same
parenting tactic of disciplining children while they are still toddlers
so as to avoid a rowdy and belligerent teenage rebellion. He also made
a point that has stuck with me for nearly three decades now. When children
commit an offence it often falls into one or two categories. It was a childish
mistake such as young child coloring on the new couch with either lipstick
or permanent marker or it was willful disobedience. Placing children’s
actions into these categories has helped my own parenting to a huge extent.
Now that we have established a few frustrations
that come along with parenting let’s move on to some solutions. My first
one is: Teach your children to take “no” for an answer regardless of their
age. The experts agree with me on this point too. Drs. Cloud and Townsend
provided a list of eight “no’s” on page 182 of Boundaries, and this philosophy
is taught by many child psychologists. The list starts with the no of a
parent and ends with the no of the court and/or prison system. I have thought
the same exact thing for years now. Having a child who learns how to take
“no” for an answer is a huge accomplishment. Who hasn’t been out with a
friend and her child and experienced the playing of this game. “Can I have
some chips?” “No.” “Can I have some chips?” “No.” By the time the parent
and child arrive at the 11th or 12th round of “Can I” the parent breaks
down and says yes. Most parenting books I have read speak to this same
issue. All that is learned is how to break Mom’s will until she gives you
what you want.
Instead try living by “no” means “no” and do not
say “no” unless you have to. This may not be an overnight victory for either
you or the child. You may be in the habit of giving in and I promise you
the child is in the habit of asking until you do. There is not much else
to advise on this topic. You have to decide to do this and you have to
be consistent in doing this. When children will not take no for an answer
it may help to remind them verbally that you want them to learn how to
do this. Tell them plainly that this is exactly what I mean, I mean to
tell you “no.” Don’t make the mistake of saying no all day long out of
habit either. Think carefully before answering. Can you allow the request?
Is it unreasonable? Is it feasible? Puzzle that through first within your
own mind, and only if it is vitally important then tell them no. With practice,
the both of you will change, because the old habit of wearing you down
will begin to subside and will be replaced with hearing “no” and accepting
“no.”
On the flip side, do not give many commands throughout
the day. To quote Charlotte Mason, “Never give a command which she [mother]
does not intend to see carried out to the full.” If you are going to die
on that mountain and if you are going to make certain that a command is
followed then be very sparing with the number of them in any given day.
It is better to give a few directions which the child knows he must obey.
Neither Charlotte Mason nor I want your child in a state of perpetual orders.
The two of us would prefer self directedness for the vast majority of the
day. I teach this at my house by giving my child a time period. I will
say something like, “I want the dog fed and the porch swept. You have from
1:00 until 4:00.” My children know that I mean exactly what I say. They
know I will want it “carried out to the full” but they have freedom to
decide when to accomplish this task. Before or after they finish a game,
for example. It allows them to take some responsibility and initiative.
I took this concept and used it daily as my children
became old enough to clean the kitchen. We had kitchen week, meaning for
one week it was going to be your chore and yours alone. The job? Clean
the kitchen. How well? Enough that the health board will not condemn the
house, and enough that we have clean dishes. When? Whenever you want. Anytime
you see fit between waking and bedtime. Yes, the kitchen was sometimes
unbearably dirty and visitors would be left to wonder what my problem was,
but it taught my children something. It taught them the very same thing
I have to live by. When it’s my kitchen week I can clean up little by little
every day after each plate is dirtied and I usually do. Or I might be busy
or lazy and wait until late in the day. Then I will have a lot of work
to do at one time. This is reality. As an adult I am allowed to choose
when to do my work and I let my children learn that real life lesson through
experience.
Children need to learn to make their own choices
under the watchful eye of their parents. If they do not learn how to make
decisions they will remain helpless. If you are always telling them what
to do and when to do it, they will stay in a state of dependence on you.
As far as other chores are concerned I believe
the same principles apply and clarity is the key. Children thrive when
they know what exactly is expected from them. Declare the chore and have
them complete the chore, it’s that simple. Chore lists work well in large
families. At our peak we had a family of seven and that is a lot of work—one
person could easily crack under that kind of pressure. Having found the
kitchen timer to be a useful tool during the school hours, I gave it a
try during the house cleaning moments. Set the timer and everybody jumps
in, all at once and with concentration. This sense of fairness is also
important to children. To observe mom and their fellow brothers and sisters
all working feverously for the same amount of time really takes care of
the complaints. Sometimes they clean independently without the entire group
and sometimes they would fail to comply. My husband, being somewhat artistic,
drew a chart using cardstock. Removable tags had each child’s name written
on it and if the chore was not completed the name was removed from a slot
and placed into the hand drawn dog house. It was cute, so cute in fact
that my kids told the neighbor kids and soon other parents started asking
me to see my “dog house” chore chart.
Another incentive I used was a little cork board
mounted to the kitchen wall. It had envelopes tacked to it with each child’s
name. Every Monday there would be seven one dollar bills in each child’s
respective envelope. At the end of each day I would check the chart and
then check the condition of the bathroom, for example. Either it had been
cleaned or it had not. If it had been neglected I removed a one dollar
bill from that child’s envelope. It was their choice--they would have $7.00
at the end of the week to call their own or they would have less.
What these little anecdotes from my life have
done is bring out the next point. Immediate reinforcement—positive or negative—we
get that in a Charlotte Mason house fairly consistently. A positive system
designed for successful child training and the necessary system of consequences
as the back up plan. To simplify the twofold system we verbally tell our
children to not run into the street without looking for cars. We have tried
to set them up to succeed (and live). If they obey and do not run out in
front of cars then great, if not we have the second half. Charlotte Mason
put it this way—we would have less confusion if we understood that “It
is not authority which punishes:” It is the consequences of breaking whatever
law that penalize us. Authority when it is “strong and benign, exists to
save us by prevention, and, if needs be, by lesser and corrective penalties.”
(Vol. 3, p.139) Meaning, if our child does indeed run into the street our
disciplinary reaction may seem harsh to an onlooker. They may look over
and observe our verbal reprimand or they might even witness a light spank
to the top of the hand. Regardless of what people standing by think of
you it is less harsh to be disciplined by a parent than it is to be struck
by a car.
As far as other disciplinary tactics are concerned
we need to use what works. Just as in the house key analogy given earlier
no one technique will work for every family or even for every child within
a family. Pain does teach. I have a healthy respect for my iron. It has
taught me not to touch it anywhere but on the handle. But parents do not
have to resort to physical pain when there are other avenues available.
We can revoke privileges such as attending an upcoming party or restricting
computer time. We can confiscate toys, games and any number of other items.
The key is notifying the child of the offence and the corresponding discipline
beforehand, and not resorting to empty threats. With some trial and error,
I’m confident you will find a style that speaks to your child.
Name calling and hitting siblings are other examples
of things that can be addressed ahead of time and acted upon in a disciplinary
fashion if committed anytime after the teaching. The best thing to do is
to identify the behavior you will not accept and identify exactly what
the consequence will be if and when they commit the offence. This appeals
to their sense of fairness again. It’s not just that mom is cranky or in
a bad mood, no, she is following the plan, she is being consistent. The
same goes for not having the car back on time. Consistency and staying
true to the previously decided penalty really works.
So, we are back to the topic of responsibility
and we again turn to Cloud and Townsend. One of the first points made in
the chapter on children in the boundaries book is this: “The most important
thing parents can give children is a sense of responsibility—knowing what
they are responsible for and knowing what they aren’t responsible for.”
Charlotte Mason wrote a similar statement. “Every effort of obedience which
does not give him a sense of conquest over his own inclinations, helps
to enslave him.” Instead, she tells us to “invite his co-operation, let
him heartily intend and purpose to do the thing he is bidden, and then
it is his own will that is compelling him, and not yours; he has begun
the greatest effort, the highest accomplishment of human life—the making,
the compelling of himself.” Vol. 1 p. 328
Having a sense of responsibility beginning in
childhood and continuing into adulthood helps greatly with accepting blame
for one’s own actions. People who do not learn this tend to blame other
people and outside circumstances. They did not learn to search themselves
for any personal level of fault. Somewhere along the line they did not
learn the simple teaching that there are consequences to their actions.
What is highest accomplishment of human life?
Ask a hundred people and you will get a hundred answers. Mason had her
answer, it is “the making, the compelling” of oneself and that is what
adulthood is all about. Mom and Dad will not make you go to work, arrive
at your appointment promptly, or remind you to pay your utility bill when
you have reached adulthood and live independently.
I have always viewed children this way: The whole
arrangement reminds me of a gas pedal and a clutch pedal. A precious little
newborn is utterly dependant on others to feed and care for her. That is
similar to a clutch pedal completely depressed and no gasoline applied.
From the day of birth to the day of adult maturity a gradual process takes
place. If you are familiar with standard transmissions the goal is to get
to the point where the gas pedal is engaged and the clutch is not, it has
been released. An experienced driver knows how gradual that process is.
Fairly quickly in the process you have let up on the clutch and started
to press on the gas and the two pedals gently trade off. If not, then you
risk killing the engine or jerking down the street, to everyone’s amusement,
until the balanced trade off has occurred. So it is with parenting. The
dependence factor is going to subside with or without your cooperation.
Why not approach the inevitable with balanced parenting?
Originally published in The Link, a
homeschooling newspaper.
